ArnoldReview: Planet of the Apes: **
Dir: Franklin J. Shaffner
Starring: Charlton Heston and thousands of apes
The image of Charlton Heston kissing a monkey is nearly as priceless as watching Charlton Heston play a Mexican in 'Touch of Evil.' There's something about him that tickles my generation, or maybe it's just me. But watching Heston act in an ensemble of ape-people seems too appropriate. It's about what you expect when you press play. Absurd, ultra-masculine, and the plot line is about ankle deep. Watching the film this week was the first time I'd made an effort to see 'Plant of the Apes,' somehow I feel as though, as a child, watching it on TNT or PBS or whatever channel that plays the same 4 B movies every month, that there was more going on, that the film made sense, but that feeling is now gone. 'Planet of the Apes' just kind of ends at one point, nothing really happens, a lot of tension building for nothing. The famous Statue of Liberty scene ("You Maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you! God damn you all to hell" see below) just kind of appears and you wonder, what happened to the rest of the plot?
Some people may argue that the plot isn't the point, that it's really a B-movie cloaked as an early blockbuster and that the campy qualities of the film are the point of watching it. ok. I can dig that. Because it's really an awful film. Irredeemably awful. But that's just if you take it seriously, with a grain of salt, it's ok, two and half stars. That's like 5 out of ten, and that's half way to perfect.
It's funny. Heston is really just classic Heston, Stallone-funny before steriods were chic. I mean, I guess how else do you take it, he's with a bunch of talking apes, but the film seems to want to take itself more seriously, like it should have some resonating message about America and humanity. But it doesn't, it's all lost and muddled in the mediocre plot that just never really develops. The new version (Tim Burton and Mark Wahlberg) tries to resolve those issues, tie up the plot, give it a message, and in that context it's a more successful film, but it's a worse film. I just don't think America (or possibly the world) is ready to recieve a message from talking apes.
